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I remember staring at that damn kale bowl, fork trembling in my hand as my gym buddy devoured his third cheeseburger. "Clean eating," they called it - this cult-like obsession with leafy greens that left me bloated, exhausted, and secretly craving bacon at 3 AM. For years I blamed my weak willpower, until rain lashed against my apartment window one Tuesday evening, and I finally snapped. My raw genetic data had been gathering digital dust since some ancestry kit sale, but desperation made me upl