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Sunday gravy simmered on the stove as my nephew Timmy, twelve and unbearably smug, waved his new smartwatch like a tech-expert scepter. "Uncle Mike, this thing tracks my REM cycles," he announced, elbow-deep in garlic bread. My sister sighed; I gritted my teeth. Competitive uncle mode activated. Then it hit me—the app I’d downloaded weeks ago during a midnight boredom spiral. Time to weaponize absurdity.

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