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Sunlight stabbed my eyes as I fumbled with juice boxes at the playground last Tuesday. That split-second distraction nearly cost everything. My three-year-old, Eli, had bolted toward the duck pond's steep edge - the one with jagged rocks below. My shout froze in my throat when he suddenly skidded to a halt two feet from disaster, spun around with cartoonish urgency, and announced: "Danger zone! Sheriff says STOP!" His tiny hand even mimicked a stop-sign gesture. My knees buckled as I scooped him

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Sunday gravy simmered on the stove as my nephew Timmy, twelve and unbearably smug, waved his new smartwatch like a tech-expert scepter. "Uncle Mike, this thing tracks my REM cycles," he announced, elbow-deep in garlic bread. My sister sighed; I gritted my teeth. Competitive uncle mode activated. Then it hit me—the app I’d downloaded weeks ago during a midnight boredom spiral. Time to weaponize absurdity.

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